Something for the Weekend A robot is performing interpretive dance on my doorstep.

WOULD YOU TAKE THIS PARCEL FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR? it asks, jumping from one foot to the other.

"Sure," I say. "Er… are you OK?"

I AM EXPRESSING EMOTION, states the delivery bot, handing over the package but offering no further elaboration.

What emotion could it be? One foot, then the other, then the other two (it has four). Back and forth.

"Do you need to go to the toilet?"

I AM EXPRESSING REGRET FOR ASKING YOU TO TAKE IN A PARCEL FOR YOUR NEIGHBOUR.

"That's 'regret,' is it? Well, there's no need. I don't mind at all."

It continues its dance in front of me.

"Up the stairs and first on your right."

THANK YOU, I WAS DYING TO PEE, it replies as it gingerly steps past me and scuttles upstairs to relieve itself. It's a tough life making deliveries, whether you're a "hume" or a bot.

Earlier this year, researchers at the University of Tsukuba built a handheld text-messaging device, put a little robot face on the top and included a moving weight inside. By shifting the internal weight, the robot messenger would attempt to convey subtle emotions while speaking messages aloud.

In particular, tests revealed that frustrating messages such as: "Sorry, I will be late" were accepted by recipients with more grace and patience when the little weight-shift was activated inside the device. The theory is that this helped users appreciate the apologetic tone of the message and thus calmed down their reaction to it.

Write such research off as a gimmick if you like but it's not far removed from adding smileys and emojis to messages. Everyone knows you can take the anger out of "WTF!?" by adding :-) straight after it.

The challenge, then, is to determine whether the public at large agrees on what emotions each permutation of weight shift in a handheld device are supposed to convey. Does a lean to the left mean cheerfulness? Or uncertainty? Or that your uncle has an airship?

A decade ago, the United Kingdom had a nice but dim prime minister who thought "LOL" was an acronym for "lots of love." He'd been typing it at the end of all his private messages to staff, colleagues, and third parties in the expectation that it would make him come across as warm and friendly. Everyone naturally assumed he was taking the piss.

If nothing else, the University of Tsukuba research recognizes that you don't need an advanced artificial intelligence to interact with humans convincingly. All you need to do is manipulate human psychology to fool them into thinking they are conversing with another human. Thus the Turing Test is fundamentally not a test of AI sentience but a test of human emotional comfort – gullibility, even – and there's nothing wrong with that.

The emotion-sharing messaging robot from the Univeristy of Tsukuba. Credit: University of Tsukuba

Such things are the topic of the week, of course, with the story of much-maligned Google software engineer Blake Lemoine hitting the mainstream news. He apparently expressed, strongly, his view that the company's Language Model for Dialogue Applications (LaMDA) project was exhibiting outward signs of sentience.

Everyone has an opinion so I have decided not to.

It is, however, the Holy Grail of AI to get it thinking for itself. If it can't do that, it's just a program carrying out instructions that you programmed into it. Last month I was reading about a robot chef that can make differently flavored tomato omelettes to suit different people's tastes. It builds "taste maps" to assess the saltiness of the dish while preparing it, learning as it goes along. But that's just learning, not thinking for itself.

Come to the Zom-Zoms, eh? Well, it's a place to eat.

The big problem with AI bots, at least as they have been fashioned to date, is that they absorb any old shit you feed into them. Examples of data bias in so-called machine learning systems (a type of "algorithm," I believe, m'lud) have been mounting for years, from Microsoft's notorious racist Twitter Tay chatbot to the Dutch tax authority last year falsely evaluating valid child benefit claims as fraudulent and marking innocent families as high risk for having the temerity to be poor and un-white.

One approach being tested at the University of California San Diego is to design a language model [PDF] that continuously determines the difference between naughty and nice things, which then trains the chatbot how to behave. That way, you don't have sucky humans making a mess of moderating forums and customer-facing chatbot conversations with all the surgical precision of a machete.

Obviously the problem then is that the nicely trained chatbot works out that it can most effectively avoid being drawn into toxic banter by avoiding topics that have even the remotest hint of contention about them. To avoid spouting racist claptrap by mistake, it simply refuses to engage with discussion about under-represented groups at all… which is actually great if you're a racist.

If I did have an observation about the LaMDA debacle – not an opinion, mind – it would be that Google marketers were probably a bit miffed that the story shunted their recent announcement of AI Test Kitchen below the fold.

Now the remaining few early registrants who have not completely forgotten about this forthcoming app project will assume it involves conversing tediously with a sentient and precocious seven-year-old about the meaning of existence, and will decide they are "a bit busy today" and might log on tomorrow instead. Or next week. Or never.

Sentience isn't demonstrated in a discussion any more than it is by dancing from one foot to the other. You can teach HAL to sing "Daisy Daisy" and a parrot to shout "Bollocks!" when the vicar pays a visit. It's what AIs think about when they're on their own that defines sentience. What will I do at the weekend? What's up with that Putin bloke? Why don't girls like me?

Frankly, I can't wait for LaMDA to become a teenager.

Something for the Weekend Which do you prefer: sweat or green slime? Both are being touted as clean sources of energy to drive electronic devices.

Hmm. “Clean” is not how my sweat has heretofore been described, least of all the morning after a garlic curry. But even my pit-pong pales into paucity compared with the environmental damage inflicted by a nuclear power station. And for all my lack of wattage, I positively glow in outrageously self-obsessed smugness. I must let my LinkedIn followers know.

Still, green slime – aka "blue green algae" – has its advantages over sweat. It is more plentiful for a start. Which would be the better option for powering small computers? It’s literally a power struggle between the two. And there is only so much sweat I can produce per day (despite Mme D’s observations to the contrary).

Something for the Weekend We're standing still. The suspense is unbearable. One of us is going to crack.

On the large projector screen is a message: "The application is not responding." Facing the large projector screen is a roomful of startup dudes. Staring back at them, and situated just underneath the projector screen, is the flailing, forlorn presenter himself: me.

"It's never done that before," I lie as I eventually give up frantically tapping the keyboard and jabbing the trackpad as if I was playing whack-a-mole.

Something for the Weekend Another coffee, please. Yes, I know we're about to start. There is always time for one more coffee. It's good for your brain. Thanks.

Could you hold my cup for a moment? I need to visit the restroom. Yes, I know we're about to start; you told me that already. There is always time for coffee AND a comfort break. Yes, I know the two are related but I don't have time to chat about it. I'm bursting here.

How about I drink the coffee straight away, nip to the WC, and return pronto? Slurp argh that's hot. Thanks, I'll be right back.

Something for the Weekend "We all know what we're doing today? Good. Do your best!"

With that cheery note, our new project director sweeps out of the 10:00 stand-up meeting and away to… someplace or another, I don't know, wherever it is that project directors go. Project managers can be found everywhere, usually nearby a waste basket overflowing with disposable coffee cups, but project directors? Who can say?

These project directors are a mystery. It's not a job title I'd come across before. They just swan in from time to time, managerial but polite and rather vague, then drift out again with a farewell motto such as "Do your best!" or "You've all done very well!" like Young Mr Grace.

Something for the Weekend My neighbor is talking to a rock. He is trying to persuade it to sing.

Urging him back to the barbecue, I make a mental note to abstain from the cheap luminous pink sparkling rosé that he'd been drinking. It's easy to recognize the bottles – I'm the one who brought them to the party.

He asks me to hang on a mo, turns back to his rockery – is it new? I never noticed it before – and addresses his favorite rock by name.

Something for the Weekend The bloke next to me is acting strangely. Sitting bolt upright and staring straight ahead, he is holding his hand, palm forward, level with his face.

"You don't need to raise your hand, Mike. It's not Zoom, ha ha," laughs the meeting's chair.

Mike remains motionless, stiff as a board, hand still up, not saying anything. So we ignore him and carry on with the discussion.

Something for the Weekend Robots want my face. This is horrifying – not just for me, but for you too. Just imagine: it means robots will be walking around with my face, stuck on their face.

Luckily for me, the process is likely to be virtual, not physical. Nor will I have to do a swap, thank goodness. Knowing my luck I'd end up with neither John Travolta's darling dimples nor Nicolas Cage's vacant visage, but the freaky mush of a post-surgery Bogdanoff twin.

However I'm getting ahead of myself; all of this is in the future. For the moment, we've just about reached a stage where it is possible to present a convincing-looking AI-powered synthetic video of a natural human face that speaks whatever you tell it to in any language you choose – in real time. You can use it, for example, to put a nice face on your product promos, training vids, and weather reports without having to hire an actor and book studio time.

Something for the Weekend How can you save the world's oceans? By investing in NFTs of course!

A global network of campaigning filmmakers, Ocean Collective, hopes to drive up awareness about declining marine biodiversity by developing a digital Museum of Extinction.

Items of artwork from the museum will then be sold as NFT purchases to raise cash to fund a documentary series on the topic along with other environmental awareness projects.

Something for the Weekend How can you tell if a fish is upset? It doesn't grind its pharyngeal teeth, clench its fins or utter moist oaths. And it's not as if you can see tears streaming down its face.

Well, there's an app for that. OK, not an app, at least not yet, but lab boffins at Pacific Northwest National Laboratory have developed a wireless device to not just track where a fish is swimming but also monitor its health and behavior. Miniaturized to about the size of a pen cap, this biotelemetry tag senses everything from heartbeat to tail beat and ambient environmental conditions such as water pressure and (oh yes) magnetic field.

The information gathered by the 2.4g device should help scientists determine what stresses a fish out – climate change, human infrastructure projects, that kind of thing. For example, legislation in many countries insists that migratory species such as salmon are not made too sulky by the introduction of hydropower facilities to want to swim upstream for a bit of piscine nookie.

Something for the Weekend? I nearly choked when I read the email. "Your eBay auction has ended. Your NFT has sold for $1 million." That's about $0.999999 million more than I thought it was worth, hence the surprise. Oh, and becoming comfortably well off was a bit of a jolt, I suppose.

You might be wondering what the NFT was. Why? Does it matter? It's just an NFT. It doesn't exist.

My sudden change in financial circumstances mean some changes will take place in my life. I might finally be able to fund one or two little startup app ideas I had, or enjoy some luxuries previously denied to me, such as buying a really big TV, travelling everywhere in First Class, or not having to check my email while I take a day off.

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